She's Always a Woman
by MD14
Summary: Billy Joel's words through Sam Swareks' eyes. Andy McNally is a complex woman.
1. Chapter 1

**She can kill with a smile**  
**She can wound with her eyes**  
**_She can ruin your faith with her casual lies_**

"Is that your talent, McNally? Pointing out the obvious?" He's not trying to hurt her, simply make his usual sarcastic remark. And so what if it does hurt her. He's not going to pretend that he doesn't like his own girlfriend for god's sakes. And so what if the statement cuts her a little, she's acknowledging it too. She shouldn't have brought it up.

If it weren't for the warm summer breeze passing through the compound of squad cars, he'd have an excuse to hop into his truck, tell her to save it for tomorrow. But of course she chooses now to shatter the illusion that he has two perfect worlds, neither of which she took part in anymore. Not as his girlfriend, or partner... She was nothing.

If he's being perfectly honest, which he's been scared to be as of late, that illusion was shattered the second they opened that door.

"No." She says, simply, bringing Sam back to the moment, reminding him he has no get away.

But then her small smile vanishes, and he feels quite differently. Wishing her to feel the way he has felt, and seeing it are two very different things. Watching her demeanour change, to tell him the truth.

"I know when to quit."

He stops shuffling back and forth on his feet, he stops being antsy willing to make a clean get away without any heavy thoughts to keep him busy for the night while Marlo takes some time to herself.

Her voice is wavering on quakey, and by the time she begins speaking again he hears a slight break.

"I know when the odds are against me, and when to walk away." She nods, willing him to believe that she means what she's saying. That she's finally going to give in to what he's claimed he wants - simplicity.

_'Yeah, like when you walked away during suspension, or when I asked for a second chance...'_

But those doe eyes...

They are searching, and begging him to tell her she's wrong. That she has no talents because he still wants her so badly. Then again, his wants, and her knowing what cues to pick up on are very different. He could love her with all he's got, and the odds would still be against them. That's why, after everything, the easy road is the one he wants to take.

The road less traveled is beaten down and old. Probably nobody to maintain it. He bets that all the green is overgrown and you'd have to chop things down as you go. He sees it more like a jungle.

Sure, maybe it has some great views, and more rewarding inclines once conquered but...

What does Frost know?

"Goodnight Sam." She bids, making her way around him.

Is it though?

**_And she only reveals what she wants you to see_**  
**She hides like a child,**  
**But she's always a woman to me**

"How ya been McNally?"

"Good." She states simply, a little shoulder shrug, like it's as easy as anything. "What about you?"

"Who knows. " He lets go, with regret. He's fine. He's- "Stable."

God, he wants to kill himself here and now.

How does she do this? Open him up with those eyes. Those big brown pools of safety, and warmth. They're so familiar too him that he just sinks back in every time he stares too long. And he tries to look away, he really does, but who can resist what makes you feel safe, happy? He's trying, but he can't.

"If you can believe that."

And it's not the unbelievable part of his personal life. It really isn't. In the month that has followed McNally stepping graciously to the side, he's felt all of his determination and effort in his relationship with Marlo slip away. It was so easy when he was fighting Andy off. It was so easy using their competitive edge to keep his feelings at bay.

And still he makes the final plea for her to see that he's better this way, healthier, though not happier.

"Well I'm glad. As your friend... You know, cause I really do want to be your friend." She says, sincerely. Of all things, sincerity is not what he wanted to hear in her voice. Maybe an undertone of 'I still love you', or 'You dumb bastard, you don't know what you're missing'. But her genuinely wishing him well...

He wants her to be lying, have another agenda...

And maybe she does.

The real problem here is that he's lost all ability to get inside her head objectively. It was once so easy for him, watching her other relationships, weighing in as the voice of reason, the encouraging friend.

_"It's not like I wasn't surprised..." She offered freely, having just defended to him that her engagement hadn't been quick - 'We __**do**__ live together.'_

_"Oh yeah?" He grunted, trying to stay indifferent. He rarely kept up his 'no chit chat' on patrol charade, but of course over the year she figured out he didn't mean it at all. "What, did he hide the ring in a cupcake?"_

_"No-uh." She stated, shutting down his snide comment. _

_"Yeah, Callaghan's probably more of a sky writing kind of guy... Was a plane involved?" _

_He was goading her but ultimately teasing, and hoping maybe to get a smile, but she wasn't going for it. She was still extremely defensive and it had him wanting the story more and more._

_"No it wasn't, it was simple." She conceded, wanting it to be the last thing said on the subject._

_"Oh." He said, also wanting to be done with the topic, but as she turned her head to the side, more of a confession came forward._

_"Well actually, I kind of found the ring in Luke's stuff and then he came home and it just happened." She ended it with a smile, but he was already getting in line with questions about the fishy proposal, the spur of the moment, moment._

_"You found it in his stuff, and then it just happened..."_

_"I mean, it wasn't snooping." She cut in, before the entire sentence was out of his mouth. "Yeah, it happened, but in a good way."_

_The argument itself was all it took. She confessed, went on the defensive, and wanted to pretend like she had never doubted their moment for a second. And he wondered for a while what she wanted him to think of it. _

_She wanted him to see her doubt. To see it, and agree that it was peculiar, that maybe she should be asking questions._

_But at the same time, they got on each others' nerves so much they couldn't stand for the other to be right. To have a leg up. It was a matter of stubborn minds being too alike for their own good. She felt the need to validate her choice, but get his opinion on the matter as well._

He had watched, and weighed in when she wanted him to.

And now she wanted to be that for him.

Problem is, he wore his "hidden" agenda on his sleeve. Her happiness.

But he couldn't find hers.

"I thought we already were friends."

**_She can lead you to love_**  
**She can take you or leave you**

"I love you." She announced while he was mid-sentence, blabbering on about the fact that Oliver didn't have a dog.

He thought he felt his jaw drop and heart stop at the same time, so he closed it and swallowed the lump his throat thinking maybe it'd work as a jump start. But his wide, drying eyes fuelled by disbelief stayed wide, and his heart stayed stopped. Until it thundered, and wouldn't quit.

"What?" He heard her wrong, he did. Must have.

She turns herself towards him now, and he's half expecting her to say that they're done, the complete opposite, but...

"I do, I love you."

He really wishes his heartbeat would soften. He's not quite sure that he can handle the smile on her face, that is reaffirming her statement every second of doubt that follows.

She's blabbering on about how proud she is that she's finally gotten it out there, that she's relieved the feelings bubbling up inside her for some time, but he can't seem to slow time down to enjoy the moment.

"You mean like now?"

It appears that maybe those seconds that followed should've been filled by a statement of his own, but he can't seem to find his own words. Though he's afraid that if he did, they wouldn't be those three.

"Look, you don't have to say it back." She says worriedly a moment later, reading his mind. I don't care that you've never said it-"

How did she know-

"And I don't care if you never say it."

She says that now but-

"This is how I feel, so, there, I'm saying it." She says, finally sounding as though she's going to leave the topic alone as she stares ahead at the steering wheel.

But-

"Want me to say it again?" She smiles. Kid in a candy shop she looks like. Good candy...

"Start the truck." He breathes, just trying to keep control of his beats per minute.

If she did, he thinks his heart might just beat right out of his chest. He wishes it would soften.

**She can ask for the truth**  
**_But she'll never believe _**

"What are you talking about?"

"I love you Andy." He says finally, realizing that this could be his last chance, that if there is an afterlife, he'll spend it regretting the words left unspoken. "I do."

He doesn't want her to think that it's only because she could be gone in seconds, or that he feels badly about how things ended, he really doesn't. He knows that that may seem how it's coming off right now.

But he just needs her to believe that he could never mean it more. He's not sure, but maybe he's spent three years trying to show her instead.

"Sam," She begins. And for a half a millisecond, before her eyes meet his, he thinks maybe she'll say them back. You don't just stop loving somebody in six weeks, do you?

"I'm holding a bomb."

He doesn't really know what to say after that.

What he does know, is that without her, there's no him.

"So am I." He says, not really thinking, as he feels his hands cradle hers.

**And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free**  
**_Yeah, she steals like a thief_**  
**But she's always a woman to me**

It was what it was. And it was. Just like he told her.

But the minute she threw those words back in his face he knew.

He knew she'd always keep a piece of him. A piece of him that was intact the night of the blackout, and gone that very morning.

A piece of him that wouldn't have burned with jealousy when Callaghan so carelessly implied that he and Andy would be up to everything _but_ fishing at his cabin.

_"I need your help." Callaghan had said. And like an idiot-_

_"Won't get in your way."_

He shouldn't have stepped aside so easily. Should've told him just how _his_ girlfriend delivered herself to his doorstep not too long ago.

_"You wanna talk?"_

_"No."_

He wishes so badly that they would've just talked.

If they had, he'd be whole. He wouldn't be throwing away the coffee that was meant for her.

_"Jerry." He'd said, trying to cover the heart on his sleeve._

_"I don't know... Bounce in your step, twinkle in your eye. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were in love."_

He wouldn't be watching her walk out of the Penny, under another man's arm. She had that piece of him that wouldn't have wished that man was him.


	2. Chapter 2

**_And she'll promise you more  
Than the Garden of Eden_**

"Then ask me to stay." She says, looking him in the eye, showing him exactly how much that simple phrase means.

_"I have trouble sleeping in other peoples beds." _

When he heard her tell Callaghan, he couldn't help the small smile of satisfaction. Knowing that she was having trouble getting comfortable with the detective he loathed. So now... hearing her ask to stay in _his_ bed...

"Just one night. You know, I'll go home in the morning." She promises.

He wishes she wouldn't have to. He'd make her breakfast, lunch, they could out for dinner... _if_ they were normal. Yeah, he wants to tell her he _does_ wish they were normal.

Then his silence cause her to go even further. Really build herself a case to stay.

"Besides, it's freezing outside." She argues. Wasn't too cold for her to drag herself out of the Penny and walk around the block a few times before coming up. She still hasn't told him if she was being safe or psyching herself up. First time he asked, she'd kicked him.

"Well it's cold." Idiot. That's all he's got to say.

He wouldn't ask her to leave his bed. But could he ask her to stay? He kind of knew this was where he'd get caught.

Last time they were smart enough to quit while they were ahead. Get her out safe, and maybe they could do it again. And they have. But now that they've had a taste of the 'after' bliss, he wants it all. After bliss, morning bliss, shower bliss...

"Hey, it'd be practically inhuman to make me go back out there."

She's laughing, and he finds himself letting out a chuckle with her.

They can do this. They're smart. She'll stay tonight, and they'll get up nice and early tomorrow, he'll send her home in a cab again.

He rolls up off his back, wanting to get a good look at just how seriously she wants it too. No sense saying yes if she's just going to sneak off in the middle of the night. But he can see it in her eyes, the way he's been able to since day one. That sincerity.

He has seen it every day for months on the job. Telling people how sorry she is for their loss, feeling as though she's lost something or someone herself. Believing in people who others have been seen as worthless. Grieving people she's spent less than a minute talking to, trying to make sense of senseless death.

And now it's for him. Telling him this is where she wants to be.

"Stay." He says, knowing asking would be pointless by now. Still she smiles, and answers him.

"Okay."

**_Then she'll carelessly cut you  
And laugh while you're bleedin'_**

"You. Love workin' with you McNally, can't imagine my life without you in it."

He didn't just say that. He really couldn't have. It's physically impossible for him to think about her on shift, let alone when Oliver is sitting next to him. She's still smiling and no one is punching him in the side, so maybe he didn't. But he adds a sarcastic smile anyhow.

"Hey, you get to wear all that hair gel again." She laughs, giving Oliver a bit of a look, searching for the approval on her jab. It undoubtedly is granted, but he still can't get over how he'd said the words. It's a good thing he sounds so apathetic as a default sometimes, because that was one of the most honest things he's ever confessed concerning feelings, and McNally.

But hey there's truth to it. He hasn't enjoyed the beat this much in a long, long time. Probably not since he was a rookie himself. Learning the ropes, stories from his T.O., those years were the best. She's definitely the best partner he's ever had.

**But she'll bring out the best  
****_And the worst you can be_**

"I should've listened to Jerry that night, instead I listened to you!" He hears himself yelling. Everything just has to fall apart at once. When it rains it pours...

He can't hold it all together for another second today. It's all too much, she's too much. And she's pushing too hard. He trained her to be better than this, to do better than this, to read the signs better than this. But today her gut was just wrong, on all fronts, and he can't take keeping it together for another moment.

He watches as her eyes go wide, before narrowing quickly, and asks the hard question.

"Are you blaming me for Jerry?" She ask, a little too much sass behind it for Sam not to grimace.

No.

"No, I blame myself." Like with everything. Everything good he's ever had has gone and left, or suffered, or died. That list, is long.

**_Blame it all on yourself_****  
Cause she's always a woman to me**

"I screwed it up. It's my fault. I screwed it up over and over and over again." He hears himself admitting. Needing her to... _see_. To understand. To know that it's too hard to be in the division, watching someone else be what she needs. She's the person he cares about the most... but.

"Andy, I want you to be happy. More than anything in the world, more than anything I could want for myself."

He's almost ashamed of how surprised she looks. He should have let her know that he never got over it, that while he _wanted_ to make it work with Marlo, he wanted _her_ even more.

"And you are, with him." He admits, cutting deep. Flashes of the kiss the two of them shared that morning in this hall blinding the woman in front of him. The looks, the laughs, he wished he'd never noticed. "And that means, uh, I gotta go."

He has to move around her, away from her. Because it's all just too much. And even as he hears her call after him... he wishes she could just listen to him, for once. The weight and pull of today, just everything, her, Marlo, Oliver... He's not bulletproof. He's just a man.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: And now we are changing POV's. Just because I'm trying to make sense of Andy's head this season. Here's what I came up with.**

* * *

**She takes care of herself  
****_She can wait if she wants  
_****She's ahead of her time**

"I fight to the death, and I win. Pop." She says, firing off one last shot at a bale of hay and turning around to walk with her fellow victors, her teammates. Today she feels good, confident.

Marlo wasn't her. He said that. She was something else entirely. What Andy chose to believe, she wasn't someone he could love. He was safe this way. Things were simple this way. But she learned her lesson a long time ago, simple wasn't enough.

If that fact making her happy, made her a bad person. She was okay with that. Marlo seemed nice enough. From what she could tell she was focused, well seasoned cop, smart. It killed her to admit, but she was pretty too.

But Sam Swarek was... not always easy. It wasn't always easy to be on the receiving end of his silence, or guessing what mood he's in. Sometimes it was painfully obvious, other times it was like the flick of a switch.

She could wait. She was the first person Sam had admitted to loving...

If what a psychic said was right.

"You think she's talking about paint ball?"

"I think she's talking about Sam Swarek."

**And she never gives out  
And she never gives in  
****_She just changes her mind_**

"Is that your talent, McNally? Pointing out the obvious?"

It stings... a little bit. Him indirectly acknowledging that his girlfriend is great. Which she recognizes to be ridiculous. Because of course you should find the person you're seeing great...

Still.

He'd never said as much about her. She was gullible, awesome, she didn't think at all, or she thought too much. She was a rookie. But she wasn't great, funny, smart...

Marlo was.

"No." She says, trying to stop both herself from running down the list, and Sam from maybe adding to the compliments.

He waits expectantly, like he really thinks she's about to tell him that her talent is flying, or screwing every little aspect of her life up. They might be more believable to him. And yet-

"I know when to quit." She shrugs, figuring he can believe that much. He'd know best how good she is at walking away.

She needed that time, during that undercover, she needed to get out of her head, to escape...

But she up and left, and she hasn't missed a day without regretting not telling him. He had at least deserved to know. Maybe then she wouldn't have expected him to be... there when she came home. She'd figured six months away and all her feelings would dissolve...

She was wrong. Seeing his face again, seeing his huge smile of relief. She wanted everything to just fall back into place, she wanted to hear what he had told her six months ago. This time she'd be ready to hear it. Stable enough to accept it. Reciprocate it... properly.

So yeah. She knows it's time to quit.

"I know when the odds are against me, and when to walk away."

She hears her voice waver a little, and could kick herself for it.

She can't be the person who holds on in a one sided fight. She needs to let him go. She needs to let him explore this... this simplicity that has made him happy.

He's not even speaking, he's not even looking her in the eye at this point. She's said her peace, and now it's time to go.

She shakes her arm a little, trying to awaken it from its sleep while it hung by her side holding her heavy bag.

**She is frequently kind  
****_And she's suddenly cruel_**

"McNally-"

"What if I don't want to follow your rules Sam?" She asks.

Today was too much, it was too close. And for what? A guy who made her a promise he couldn't keep?

She dropped everything, left her partner, to help a cover up.

She's been on the wrong side of these rules before, without any intention of anyone suffering the consequences. That's what things were like when they were together when he was under. They were wrong, but how could they have known how it was going to end? This... felt oddly like that.

She was already at fault. She had already broken the rules when she decided to respect Marlo's secret. But she had it under control, she was fine.

And then she fell in love with Sam.

Her Sam.

"What if I just want to follow the normal ones?"

Everything had been going fine up until today. She actually thought that with time, the things she had now could be normal. That maybe their separate lives were going to stay separate and they were moving forward, without each other.

But then he had to ask this of her. And she had to help. She had to do what her gut was telling her, and she hated that it was telling her to help him.

"Be straightforward... and hard working..." She knows she's not talking about the rules anymore, or a way to live her life. She's talking about the person that's by her side now.

He is all of those things, so why, _why_ can't she seem to follow them? Why does she have to keep following her gut?

Why is he still so important to her? Why is it that she comes just because he calls?

"And open."

Why couldn't he have just been that for her. Why did this have to follow her, years later.

"Andy." He says, his voice, her name, causing her to turn away when she really just wants to get away from the whole thing. "Thank you for today. I mean that."

She knows he does.

"I didn't do it for you."

And she doesn't.

**_ She can do as she pleases  
_****She's nobody's fool**

He's right there. He's tangible. And he's saying that she's worth the wait.

She hasn't felt it.

No one else has bothered waiting.

If only he were another man, they were the words she's wanted to hear for a really long time, and after a day like today... she needed them.

Sam is so unaffected. He can put his head down despite her distress and go on with his day and yeah, she was a little sensitive, it was distressing. She, a cop, lost her best friends son. It was one of the worst days of her life.

She's confused. She's alone, and he's... he's not. At the end of the day, he has someone to talk to. Or not talk to... as it most likely seems.

Then again he's- he's different with her. He'll hug her at work, kiss her in the break room, tuck her under his arm when they walk together.

She never needed any of those things, there were plenty of those moments when they were alone. He made her feel everything he could never say.

But if that's how he was with her... maybe they were more than she'd thought.

She's been alone... for months, while he's been with her, moving on. She's been chasing someone who didn't want her any more. And the more that thought haunted her, the more she thought she deserved to do something reckless.

And now... he's right in front of her. Saying words that she's been aching to hear for a long time.

So to hell with it.

What the hell.


End file.
